The Intruder (by Mike Boudreaux)

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The Intruder (by Mike Boudreaux)

Postby lindawing » May 2nd, 2015, 10:44 pm

This version of a familiar fairy tale is told by my old friend Mike Boudreaux, who is a retired California, Tulare County Sheriff. His older son Mike Jr. is now the head sheriff for Tulare County, and his younger son Chris is also a Tulare County Sheriff. So you can tell where the perspective for this story came from.

I found it hilarious, and thought I'd share it with you, from Mike's website. You can find it here:

If you'd like to read any of his previous short stories (some funny, but some not), you can hover over the "Monthly Story" menu and move your mouse downward just slightly, to see the "Previous Stories" link. From there, you can browse through all of his writing efforts through the last five years.

In case you might find it hard to read through the one very long paragraph that is badly-punctuated, I edited the story to post here. I know Mike wouldn't mind, as long as he has been given the proper credit (shown above).

(A Fairy Tale Police Report)
by Mike Boudreaux

I received a radio call at 0930 hours advising of an intruder...there, now. The address--32 Bruin Lane--was in a rural, heavily-wooded area.

I arrived at the residence ten minutes later, and was greeted at the front door by Mamma Bear who advised me that she had made some porridge for breakfast but had microwaved it too long and it was way too hot to eat. Mamma Bear said that she left the porridge in bowls on the kitchen table to cool as she; her husband, Papa Bear; and her son, Baby Bear; went for a walk while the porridge cooled.

She said that when they returned they found the front door was standing open, and when they entered their residence they found that someone had sampled her porridge, had also sampled Papa Bear’s porridge, and had eaten all of Baby Bear’s porridge. Mamma Bear related that in checking their residence further, they found that someone had sat in Papa Bear’s chair in the living room, had also sat in her chair, and that Baby Bear’s chair was smashed and lying in pieces on the floor.

Papa Bear stated that he went upstairs and found that someone had mussed up his bed, that someone had mussed up Mamma Bear’s bed, and when he checked Baby Bear’s room he found that the intruder was asleep in Baby Bear’s bed. Mamma Bear advised that the intruder was still in an upstairs, rear bedroom.

I eased up the stairway and down the hallway to the rear bedroom. I carefully opened the door and spotted blond hair protruding from beneath a blanket. Standing at the foot of the bed, with gun in hand, I gently pulled the blanket down--exposing the intruder, who was still sleeping. I could see both of her hands, and noted that apparently she was not armed. I nudged her shoulder and she awoke with a start.

“Don’t move!”, I commanded. “Roll over face down and place both hands behind your back.”

She complied without saying a word, and I placed her in handcuffs. I assisted her in standing and turned her to face me. She appeared to be around eight years old, well-dressed, and had long blond hair. “What’s your name?”, I asked.

“Goldie...” she answered. “...Goldie Locks.”

“Why did you break into this cottage?” I asked.

“I didn’t break in!” she responded. “The door was open when I got here.”

“What are you doing here?" I asked.

“I went for a walk in the woods and got lost,” Goldie said. “Then I came upon this cottage. I knocked at the front door and it swung open. I called out, but no one answered, so I went in. I found three bowls of porridge on the kitchen table, and being hungry, I decided to eat some of the porridge. The first bowl was too hot and the second bowl was too cold, but the third bowl was just right, and it tasted so good that I ate it all. Then--being tired--I went into the living room, where I found three rocking chairs. I sat in the first chair, but it was too tall. So I sat in another chair, and it was too short. Then I tried the third chair, and found it was just right. As I was rocking in the chair, it broke all to pieces. Since I was sleepy, I then went upstairs looking for a place to take a nap. I tried the first bed, and it was too hard. So I tried another bed, and it was too soft. I then tried a third bed, I found it was just right. So I crawled in and went to sleep. The next thing I know, you woke me up and put handcuffs on me.”

“Well, little lady,” I said, “you are under arrest and I am taking you down to the station for further questioning by detectives.”

“Why?” she asked. “What did I do?”

“I’m booking you on charges of unlawful entry, destruction of property, and consuming food without paying,” I answered.

“But, I’m not a bad girl!” Goldie said. “I’ve just made some bad decisions!”

“Oh yeah, who can vouch for you?” I asked.

“Red can vouch for me,” she answered.

“Red who?” I asked.

“Red Ridinghood,” She responded.

“Ha! That’s a laugh!” I said. “You may share a cell with her when we get to the station.”

“What?!”, Goldie exclaimed. “Red is in jail?!”

“Yep.”, I answered. “I booked her last night.”

“On what charges?” asked Goldie.

“She is suspected of conspiring with a huntsman in the murder of Big Bad Wolf,” I replied.

“Oh dear!” Goldie exclaimed. “I guess you could call Jack.”

“If you’re talking about Jack (Jill’s brother) he is in a coma from a falling down a hill while in the process of stealing a pail of water.”

“Oh, that’s too bad,” said Goldie, “but I’m referring to Jack Beanstalk.”

“Jack Beanstalk is in jail also,” I said.

“Why is Jack in jail?” asked Goldie.

“For stealing a golden harp from the giant,” I answered.

“Well then,” said Goldie, “you can call Snow White; Snow will vouch for me.”

“Well, little lady,” I said, “it appears that all of your friends are known criminals. Snow is presently serving time for human trafficking. She enslaved seven dwarves--forcing them to work in the mines while she took over their home.”

Goldie turned to face me and looked at me intently with her big blues eyes. As a smirk crept across her face, she said, “I am so glad that this is just a fairy tale, or I would be in a lot of trouble.”

...and they all lived happily, ever after.
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Re: The Intruder (by Mike Boudreaux)

Postby MelodyOkie » June 15th, 2015, 9:10 pm

What a cute spin on an old tale!! :evillaugh:
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Re: The Intruder (by Mike Boudreaux)

Postby lindawing » June 16th, 2015, 2:37 am

Mike has a quite active imagination and sense of humor. ;-)

When we lived at California Hot Springs and went to the wonderful church up there, Mike would take his kids and the neighbor kids (including mine) out to do outdoor things every couple of weeks. Once he took them all on an evening snipe hunt. I still hear hilarious stories about him fooling all the kids about the local snipes. ;-)
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